Yeah...I know. Anyways, the thing about Twilight that keeps me coming back (despite questionable quality of the product) is this: it's just like candy! Sparkly, vampire-y, disgustingly romantic candy. I can't stop consuming it, even though I know it has no real value, it's going to make me too hyper, and it's making me gain weight. Every man in it is a perfect gentleman, it's over-the-top romantic, and it's just fun.
But here's the thing. Stephanie Meyer...is CRAZY. Twilight is a weird, Mormon-metaphore-laden, anti-feminist, poorly written modern fairy tale. I don't know what Stephanie Meyer has against her own gender, because this shit is seriously messed up.
So, dear readers, I bring you:
Lessons on Love and Life from Stephanie Meyer.
1. Abusive Behavior from your Significant Other is OK.
No seriously. Edward repeatedly belittles Bella, alone and in front of other people, keeps things from her, acts intensely jealous, controls her, bribes his sister to kidnap Bella while he's away so he can keep tabs on her, all in the name of her "safety." Since the reader has the joy to be in Bella's mind (People Magazine called her "the dullest girl in the Pacific Northwest") we know that Bella has developed issues on issues because of this behavior, but she always blames herself--never Edward. Also, Bella repeatedly chooses to put herself into dangerous and life-threatening situations all in the name of love.
One particularly disturbing event doesn't concern Bella at all, but Sam-the-Werewolf's finacee Emily. Half her face is mauled beyond repair because "Sam lost his temper, and Emily was standing too close." --New Moon. Yeah, I know. And yet Emily still refers to herself as a "wolf girl". Wha??
2. Sex. Is. Bad.
Here's where most of the Mormon comes in. Since Bella is a regular human being, she has a sex drive. And since she is an eighteen-year-old straight female, she really wants to have sex with her boyfriend, who she is in love with. But Edward is much too much of a gentleman to "allow" this. Every time Bella expresses a desire for sex, Edward freaks out and pushes her away, giving her the cold shoulder (literally, since Meyer's vampires' skin is ice-cold!) and making her feel ashamed. He says it's too "dangerous" and he might "lose control." Uh, that's the point, Edward, hasn't centuries of repeating high school sex ed taught you anything? Well...probably not LOL.
Here's where the Mormon thing realllly comes in. Edward says they can have sex when Bella becomes a vampire, which Bella really wants to do because she thinks it's the only world where she really fits in, and she never feels fully accepted by the Cullen family until she does become a vampire. Edward leaves Bella in New Moon, but then returns because it's lurrrrve and the promise of Bella becoming a vampire now hangs in the air. Gag. The whole series ends [spoiler alert] with Bella becoming a part of a big happy baby-filled Mormon--I MEAN VAMPIRE--family. Yay!
3. Fun is Dumb.
Bella and Edward NEVER have fun. They're always staring into each others' eyes and torturedly discussing the future, who's the latest villain trying to kill them, blah blah blah. Oy my blood pressure. And every normal person having fun, going to prom, etc. is seen as totally lame and trivial. Whaaatever.
4. Frat Boys? Really??
OK so you know that part in Twilight when Bella almost gets gang-banged by a bunch of scummy guys in some alley in Port Angeles, but then Edward rides in on his trusty Shiny Silver Volvo and saves her from certain virtue-less doom?
Well, in the credits of the movie, they're called Frat Guys. STEPHANIE! What are we going to do with you? Frat boys are mostly douchey, yes, and some can be creepy, but I DOUBT they hang out in packs in alleyways waiting to gang-rape seventeen-year-olds at like 8:30 pm. Or at least not in Seattle.
5. Women Are Idiots.
Oh, I could go on forever. But basically any woman who is not in a solid monogamous relationship, who goes out with different boys, who seems to have any personality, or who expresses disdain for Bella in anyway, are seen as stupid, bitchy, or just...bad.
And the fact that Bella is such a drab, boring, whiny, annoying heroine is just the cherry on top of this sugary pink cupcake of a series =) but seriously, Stephanie Meyer said that she gave Bella no personality on purpose so that she would be "relatable." Ohhh, so that's the demographic.
Anyways, there's always more I could go on about, but those are my top 5. I think me and Jasper should run away together to a better book series.
MMhmm. He can suck my blood anytime.
Just thought I should clarify: I don't have anything against Mormons as a group of people, but I do have something against "You MUST become Mormon" agendas a la Stephanie Meyer--who is a Mormon.
ReplyDelete