As far back as I can remember, I've always been a swirl of emotion and thoughts, impulsive and bouncing off the walls. Whenever I have to make a decision, I need to make a concious effort to not do what first pops into my mind, but to clear my head, think about it, figure out what my best option is.
I really admire people who can be calm and content. I've known people who seem to be my complete opposite, and I'm so grateful for them because sometimes it's good to realize: wait, I don't have to freak out about this, do I? Will this even matter in ten years? Ten minutes??
The other day I was feeling really calm, even content. Immediately I started growing uneasy. It's almost like I was thinking "oh GREAT. What's going to come along and ruin this peace I've somehow stumbled into? Something HAS to ruin it, right??" But I've struggled with that type of thinking for forever. I've been noticing this pattern I have, where every time I really feel happy and like I have everything ahead of me, I start trying to sabatoge myself with some new (or old) worry, thought, anything that disrupts feeling happy and peaceful. And I don't know why I do that to myself, but I'm trying to notice it and stop it now that I'm more aware of it.
In the meantime, taking time out of my day to focus on breathing and meditate on being peaceful has been really helpful. It still takes a lot of effort, but I've noticed that when I'm going through my day and I start getting all crazy about something, I have this place of peace inside me where I can go and just calm down for a second! I'm learning that I just need to let myself be calm instead whizzing from one emotion to another.
Blog at y'all later!
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